


I can see my faults in the ceiling every night

by poinsixer



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Anxious Bruce Banner, Bruce is 17, Everyone Is Gay, For a minute, Gay Thor, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt Loki, Hurt/Comfort, I Cannot Stress that Enough, IT IS UNSAFE DONT DO IT, M/M, Period talk, Protective Thor, Sad Loki, Sad Thor, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Trans Loki (Marvel), Transphobia, a bit - Freeform, abusive laufey, at least for now, ftm Loki, haven't decided on future relationships yet, i guess, in the preface, loki is 16/17, loki lives with laufey, not thorki, or just like, supportive Thor, they're not brothers in this, thor is 17/18, transgender loki, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 14:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15026189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poinsixer/pseuds/poinsixer
Summary: Loki wasn’t exactly sure when it started, but at some point everything just stopped feeling...Comfortable.





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> greetings.  
> this is my first attempt at a multi-chapter story in several years, and i'm not really sure where i'm going with it yet, so bare with me.  
> just an fyi, i am a trans man and loki's whole experience here is largely based off my own, give or take a few things.  
> i initially wrote several chapters of this fic but then started hating it so i rewrote pretty much everything after this first chapter.  
> warnings ahead for shitty parent laufey (nothing too intense yet), gender dysphoria, self harm, an almost-suicide attempt and general sad loki.

Loki wasn’t exactly sure when it started, but at some point everything just stopped feeling...

Comfortable.

When he was thirteen, he started wearing trousers and looser shirts.

There was one instance where he was told to wear a skirt and as soon as he put it on, a sense of panic and dread flooded him, leaving him confused and upset, and aggravating his father, because he couldn’t explain why it made him feel so wrong.

The dresses he was made to wear started hugging his body in all the wrong ways and his hair felt too long.

Loki once asked his father if he could get it cut, but after being yelled at, he quickly dropped the subject.

  


Two weeks from his fourteenth birthday, his world seemed to fall apart.

His first period struck suddenly when he was sitting at the dinner table, picking at a bread roll. He made it up to the bathroom after a quick ‘I need to be excused’ and a mad dash across the house to investigate what was going on.

Loki cried that night in bed after he had figured out how to use a pad. Everything online said that he should be proud of his ‘becoming a woman’.

He still didn’t know why that made him feel so sick.

  


At fourteen and a half, Loki found out what ‘transgender’ was.

Suddenly everything became clearer and he felt a large weight lift off his shoulders.

He sat huddled in the corner of the school library, laptop on his knees, reading every page that came up on google about transgender people.

He found out that people who were like him, transgender men, did something called binding.

There were several sites that sold products specifically for this purpose, and while Loki was very, very tempted to order one, he knew that if his father ever found it he would be in a world of trouble, so he investigated other methods.

  


As he approached fifteen, he found his chest becoming more and more distressing.

He found himself spending many nights locked in the upstairs bathroom after Laufey had gone to sleep, slicing into the skin with the blades of razors he’d been given for his legs.

His fingers were always bandaged after many slips when trying to pull apart the safety razors with a pair of scissors.

  


Loki had always had a sharp tongue, but his jabs became more harsh and his temper had become shorter, leading to more bruises painted across his face and arms.

He had what he guessed he could call a friend at school named Thor.

Thor had asked about them once, but after being screamed at by Loki he didn’t ask again, instead opting to go with concerned glances that set the younger man on edge.

  


Loki was sixteen when he felt like it couldn’t take it anymore.

He’d tried jumping in front of a train, being stopped at the last second by a boy who wore a purple scarf with a pair of glasses pushed into his curling brown hair.

Loki had yelled at him, shoving him back before running off.

  


He was approaching his seventeenth birthday when he came to the conclusion he needed to tell someone how he felt.

There weren’t many options, so with that in mind Loki decided on Thor.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A haircut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like everyone is ooc my bad  
> hopefully it gets better.  
> content warning for bad gender dysphoria and self harm and UNSAFE BINDING. ITS UNSAFE DO NOT DO IT.

It was 4:17PM and Loki was at Thor’s house.

He was crashing there for a couple of nights after a particularly bad incident with his father.

The boys had been lounging around on Thor’s queen-sized bed, Loki reading about mythology and Thor tapping away at something on his laptop, before Loki got up, excusing himself for the bathroom.

He locked the door and stood in front of the mirror, staring himself in the eyes.

“It’s now or never, I suppose.”

After a deep breath and some cold water to the face, Loki turned and exited the bathroom, making his way on slightly shaky legs back to Thor’s bedroom.

His heart was hammering in his chest.

“Thor...” Loki stood in the doorway, looking uncharacteristically nervous.

He was wringing his hands together, fingers barely peeking out from the sleeves of his large sweater. He avoided eye contact and stood close to the wall.

Thor looked up from his laptop, hair falling in his eyes slightly, “Yes?”

The younger man took a couple of steps into the room before he took a breath, trying to articulate a sentence.

“I’m not a girl. I’m a boy. And my name is Loki.”

There was a pause in which he felt his heart lurch painfully towards his throat before Thor responded.

“Alright then, Loki.”

The blond smiled earnestly, shutting his laptop and turning to fully face his friend.

Loki blinked, processing, then panicked slightly, “You can’t tell anyone! If my father finds out he’ll- You can’t-!”

“Hey- Loki, no, I won’t say anything. Unless you ask me to. I won’t say a word.” Thor got to his feet and stepped closer, hands held up in a placating manner.

“You swear?”

“I swear.”

After another pause in which Loki stared at the floor, seemingly in thought, he looked back up at him and mumbled something inaudible.

Thor cocked his head to the side slightly, “Pardon?”

“I said...” Loki huffed slightly, “Will you help me cut my hair, _please_? I can’t do it by myself or it’ll be uneven.”

The older boy beamed, “Of course!” He paused, “Oh- and you want me to refer to you as a he then?”

An affirmative nod later and Thor was leading the way to the upstairs bathroom.

When they reached their spot in front of the mirror, he grabbed a pair of scissors from a drawer.

Loki made his way over to the shower then turned on the water and pulled the shower head off it’s hook and quickly rinsed his long hair, dampening it thoroughly.

After the water was off and everything was back in it’s place, Loki flipped his wet hair back, spraying droplets across the whole bathroom, including all over Thor, who covered his eyes, scissors in hand.

“A warning would have been nice!” He exclaimed, shaking the moisture from his hands.

Loki smirked slightly, striding back over to the mirror, “My sincerest apologies. You’ve truly been through hardship.”

Thor poked him in the back, eliciting a yelp of surprise and a scowl.

“Thor!”

“Sorry, sorry. You kind of had it coming though.” He grinned, then held up the scissors, “Shall we begin?”

 

***

It took Thor about an hour to cut Loki’s hair into a style that he approved of.

There ended up being around 20 inches of black hair covering the tiles of the bathroom floor in chunks.

Loki was looking in the mirror, a genuine smile on his face as he touched his hair, assessing it from as many angles as he could.

Thor stood behind him, looking very pleased, “Is that good? You like it?”

“Yes! It’s wonderful. Perhaps you do have talent in something after all.” The younger boy smirked and stuck his tongue out, then turned back to his refection and shook his hair out, trying to get as many small, clipped hairs out as he could.

Then he swivelled to the taller man and began nudging him towards the door, “I need to shower, get out.”

Thor chuckled and put the scissors down next to the sink, then turned and headed towards the door.

He stopped in the doorway, turning back to Loki briefly, “I’m proud of you.”

And then he left, swinging the door shut behind him and leaving a flushed Loki in his wake.

 

***

 

Standing under the hot spray of the shower, Loki ran his hands through his hair, feeling how short the strands were and smiling to himself minutely.

It was a start.

And at least Thor was more than accepting. It hadn’t exactly been unexpected but it was still a bit of a shock.

For the majority of this shower, Loki had been actively avoiding looking down at himself, instead opting to stare at the patterned tiles near the ceiling as he washed his hair and cleaned away any loose clippings from his neck and shoulders, however after one accidental glance down he couldn’t stop looking.

His skin prickled and he felt loathing rise in his throat, constricting it.

Nothing looked right.

Loki’s fingers twitched before one hand came up and started scratching and clawing at his chest, quickly joined by the other hand until the whole area was red and burning, throbbing with each beat of his heart and covered in weeping or bleeding scrapes.

It was only then that Loki realised he’d been crying, tears sliding down his face and breath coming out in short gasps and hiccups.

He wiped his forearm across his eyes, then ducked his whole face under the flow of the shower, screwing his eyes shut and letting the warmth wash away any evidence of his tears.

Ignoring the pain that now radiated through his upper torso, Loki turned off the shower and stepped out, dripping all over the tiles.

He dried off quickly as he could so he could get dressed and cover his body as soon as possible.

After pulling on the same underwear and black jeans he’d been wearing before the shower he scrutinised himself in the mirror.

Deciding that he did indeed still hate his body as much as he thought, if not more, he made swift work of wrapping the elastic bandage he’d been wearing earlier back around his chest, trying to get everything as flat as he could.

When he was as satisfied as he could get with it, he pulled his green sweater back over his head and left the bathroom.

 

***

 

Frigga, Thor’s mother, made both boys dinner that night.

Thor’s father was still at work so the three of them sat around the table and ate pasta bake with salad. Frigga complimented Loki’s haircut while offering him a glass of coke.

As it neared the end of the meal, Loki started fidgeting with his fork, tapping it against his plate repeatedly.

Thor looked at him across the table, raising an eyebrow slightly and crunching on a piece of lettuce.

Frigga was looking at him too, appearing concerned.

“What’s wrong, dear?”

Loki sighed a bit, psyching himself up before making eye contact with her, “I’m a boy.”

She smiled knowingly, nodding a little, “Would you like me to call you by a different name?”

Slightly shocked, Loki stared at her with big eyes, “You- you knew?”

“Well.. I didn’t _know_ , per se, but you could say I had a feeling.”

“And you don’t… hate me? Or anything like that?”

“Goodness no, nothing like that.”

Loki blinked, glancing at Thor, who was smiling, before he responded, “Loki is my name now.”


End file.
